Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
