Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
