My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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