I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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