I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
