i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
