She's JV to your varsity
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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