so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
