life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Pooping to opera.
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