soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
