I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
