Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
