I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
