I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
