The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
