i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
