wat bout pragnant strippers??
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
