He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
