No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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