I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
