I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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