i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
