i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
