this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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