I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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