the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
