I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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