I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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