i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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