I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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