I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
