just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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