I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize