i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
