She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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