I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
