i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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