I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
