Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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