How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
