i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
