I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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