tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
