SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize