Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
