oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I have fence marks all over my body
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
