Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
