First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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