I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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