I am in a vortex of obligation.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You're like the curious george of whores
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
