I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
