Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
