i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
