wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize