The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
