Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
