I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
