I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
